Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Kamu (2)

Kuingat akan kabar dari keluargaku. Saya harus pulang meneruskan usaha orang tuaku di Kalimantan. Saya tidak siap, tapi keadaan memaksaku. Sebagai anak tertua saya bertanggung jawab untuk meneruskan usaha orang tuaku. Seandainya pamanku masih hidup, saya tidak akan bersedia pulang. Tapi, siapa yang bisa menggariskan hidup manusia selain dari Yang Maha Kuasa? Saya hanya bisa menuruti kemauan orang tuaku.

Saat terakhir makan malam perpisahan dengan teman-teman. Saya benar-benar terpancing emosi. Entah kenapa ... kata-katamu yang sederhana saja bisa membuatku marah. Kamu benar-benar tidak berperasaan. Saat-saat seperti ini masih bisa menggodaku. Pikiranku dipenuhi dengan bagaimana saya akan memulai hariku di Kalimantan. Belum memikirkan mendelegasikan tugas-tugas kantor. Belum lagi menjelaskan beberapa bagian tugas yang kamu harus mengerti dan kuasai, sungguh saya tidak tega meninggalkanmu. Mengertilah, saya tidak bisa lagi membantumu. Saya tidak bisa lagi mendampingimu.

Sehari sebelum saya berangkat, kamu meneleponku. Saya senang sih dengan perhatianmu. Apalagi ternyata juga kamu banyak membantu proses kepindahanku ini. Saya sama sekali tidak menyangka bahwa kamu akan ‘menembakku’. Seandainya kamu melakukan beberapa saat sebelumnya. Tapi saat itu banyak yang kupikirkan. Dan saya tidak bisa mengiyakanmu.

Bukan apa-apa. Saya suka sama kamu, itu benar. Saya senang dengan perhatianmu, tersanjung malah. Dari sekian banyak wanita kamu memilihku. Tapi saya tidak tahu, apakah benar-benar mencintaimu, atau hanya sekedar suka saja? Dan juga saya tidak bisa hubungan jarak jauh. Saya tidak bisa menjamin bahwa masing-masing kita akan bahagia bila kita berjauhan. Kita masih terlalu dini utk berkomitmen. Saya tidak mau masing-masing kehilangan kesempatan yang berharga. Dan saya menawarkan kita berteman dulu. Apakah kamu kecewa ? Tapi kamu berkata, “Aku akan menantimu dalam 2 tahun”.

Namun saat ini, ketika aku membutuhkanmu di manakah dirimu? Kucari-cari dirimu, tidak juga kutemukan jawabnya. Saat ini di antara kita terbentang lautan yang luas dan dalam, yang katamu akan kauseberangi demi diriku? Kamu hanya memandangku dengan dingin. Kamu memandangku dengan sinis. Kamu pasti tertawa puas .. yah puas karena telah menghancurkan seorang “aku” yang sedang mengejar impian.

Ha ha ha ... aku ketawa sendiri, benarkah itu? Kamu, kamu yang membuat tidurku tidak nyenyak. Kamu yang membuatku gelisah karena tidak mendapat kabarmu, kamu yang membuatku rindu kepada seorang laki-laki yang jauh di seberang sana. Kamu yang membuat hari-hari ceriaku menjadi kelabu. Apakah kamu tahu? Dimanakah kamu yang telah memporak porandakan hatiku ?

Aku menulis dengan tiada bersemangat lagi. Aku telah lelah menanti, kapankah hari-hari ceriaku akan kuraih lagi?

Kamu (1)

Kamu

Jakarta, Juni 2004
by Paula


Sudah hampir setahun aku berpisah darimu, namun tiada satupun kabar darimu. Tidak sms, tidak telepon tidak juga imel. Padahal aku sudah berusaha mengirimkan imel kepadamu. Aku berusaha mengirimkan sms meski keadaan keuanganku lagi ketat. Setiap hari aku dengan setia berharap kabar darimu. Aku mengecek imel dengan wajah berseri berharap ada kabar dari orang yang kunanti. Bahkan aku pun berusaha memantau kabarmu dari teman-teman.

Namun harapan dan penantianku sepertinya sia-sia. Aku jadi ragu apa yang selama ini kamu katakan kepadaku. Katamu kamu suka aku, katamu aku sangat menyenangkan, dan katamu pula aku sangat berbeda dengan wanita yang lainnya. Apakah itu dibandingkan dengan mantan pacarmu ataukah dengan gadis-gadis lain yang pernah kamu dekati, apakah itu hanya gombalan mu aja, toh saya juga tidak pernah tahu pasti.

Sebulan terakhir sebelum kita berpisah, campur aduk perasaan di dalam dadaku. Hatiku berkata kamu cukup ok, penampilan fisik bolehlah walau ada sedikit yang tidak kusuka. Tentang rohani kamu taat beribadah bahkan acapkali memimpin ibadah jemaat. Trus keluargamu juga baik sejauh yang ku tahu, mereka orang-orang yang mempunyai budi pekerti dan akhlak tinggi. Saya juga senang dengan kebiasaanmu yang suka olahraga. Walau tidak ganteng tapi badanmu selalu bugar, dan saya suka dengan lelaki yang segar dan sehat.

Seandainya kamu ‘menembakku’ gimana ya, apa yang harus kujawab. Saya berangan-angan, kenapa jadi begini. Kalo teringat di dalam realita betapa bulan-bulan terakhir ini saya sengsara kamu buat. Secara tidak disengaja kita merupakan satu tim di kantor. Dalam pekerjaan kita berdua harus banyak komunikasi. Karakter kita berbeda seperti kutub utara dan selatan. Kamu orangnya sabar saya orangnya selalu mau cepat. Kamu orangnya santai, sementara saya selalu merencanakan tindakan yang akan diambil untuk menyelesaikan proyek. Ada banyak hal yang berbeda, dan sering itu membuat perbedaan pendapat di antara kita.

Apa kamu tidak tahu bahwa bekerja sama denganmu membuatku menderita? Saya benci dengan sifatmu yang terlalu santai. Saya sudah memperkirakan kemungkinan yang akan terjadi, dan bila itu benar-benar terjadi saya sangat membencimu karena tidak menanggulanginya. Bagiku hidup itu harus bersemangat mengejar masa depan, mengisi waktu yang ada dengan pengembangan diri dan karakter sambil membangun pondasi karir dan pendidikan. Namun bagimu hidup ini terlalu sulit untuk diraih, terlalu banyak tantangan dan halangan yang harus dilewati. Ya begitulah hidup, kataku kepadamu, hadapi dengan berani maka kamu sudah menang! Seringkali aku berusaha membesarkan hatimu, dengan kata-kata lembut (yang hanya bisa kulakukan kalau lagi sabar saja) atau dengan omelan bila aku sudah tidak sabar dengan sikapmu.

Namun ternyata waktu dan komunikasi kita (walaupun sering misundertand) telah memberikan efek yang lain. Seperti kata pepatah jawa “witing tresno jalaran soko kulina” yang kira-kira artinya cinta yang tumbuh karena sering bertemu. Setelah cukup lama mendengar kata-kata manismu yang selama ini tidak pernah kuanggap, aku jadi sayang terhadapmu. Aku jadi mengkhawatirkanmu bila kamu mulai bertindak aneh-aneh. Dan aku teringat kepadamu bila ada satu hal yang membahagiakan, aku ingin bercerita kepadamu. Kamu memang sabar mendengar ceritaku, walau kadang aku bercerita dengan sedikit emosi.

(to be continued)

Sunday, June 17, 2007

My Dean Tony (3)

So far there is no problem. Everytime we work together there is other person around, and I will keep them around as long as possible. And I will disappear before the other leave me, with I-don't-know-how but eventually I make it.

One day, we have to go to upcountry to visit a rural area where lived a community.
Five of us in a campus car. The ourney will take 4 hours .. quite long ... so I've prepare books to read, CD and CD player. And also some snacks and candies.

I wear a white cotton shirt, and beige long pants the one I feel comfortable. With the flat shoes I feel more relax. In the car I try to listen to the CD I brought.
But i was boring, I want to join their conversation. so we talk about our students, how sweet they are. Sometime we are soo tired because of their stubborness and laziness, but when they can manage to do something well we are very proud of.

One by one fall asleep, now only me and him. So, I try to draw my attention to the right side of me, out of the window there is beautiful mountain scenery. It's green and blue of the sky. Looks so peace. Hoping that he will not start other conversation which now only left us two.

But he is a determine person I would say. So he start asking me questions how do I feel about Busan, the living here is comfortable or not and other questions. Since he is so polite I answer those without any interest for further topic, if any.
And then he tell about himself, how long he stayed in Busan, about his family. Who's asking that anyway, but it's interesting though, about his family, and I only say hu uh.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

My Dean Tony (2)

It's been one month I am in Busan. My students are very nice. The staffs here are very cooperative. I have a nice room near campus, it's only need 10 minutes walk to campus. The market is not far, and I can find many kinds of food around campus. Cheap and delicious. The transportation is very easy, available from the dawn in the morning until midnight at reasonable price and clean and safe. What a dream come true just like what my friends told me.

Well, everything is so nice, but someone in office who could be the source of my problems. Not until now. I have been involved in a small projects which soon draw my attention and energy, and make me so happy to be able to help the students achieving their target and dream.

When the small project is finished, soon I was told to see the dean to discuss something. what now ?

Well, he has not say anything yet because no chance for him to do it anyway.
So what now ? Is he going to make me suffer again ?

When I went there, I thought I would see him, but I found some other arjans in the meeting room. It's relief me ... He will not do it .. not in front of these arjans right ?

The meeting is nice, it turned out that the idea was very interesting and challenging. So are going to implement new thing, and we will make small project as a pilot project before propose to management. So we have the team consits of me, the dean and 3 other arjans. It would be fun and very interesting, a new experience for me. They chose as the secretary who will document the changes and improvement we have along the project. But in other hand, I must cooperate with him, who I would rather avoid in any circumtances ... but in this one I don;t know how to do it.

Let's see how things will go.

Old friend My Dean (1)

I've told you about a man from my past. His name is Anthony. At Busan now, we work together. He is the dean at the department I work for. The happiness and dream in my heart soon fades when I was introduced with the dean. What a situation I have now, somebody please help me, this is dream not reality.

I am a reasonable person, just try to do my best and not to hurt other ppl.When now he is my superodinat, how can I refuse to talk to him ? I still can see the naughty eyes and grin of him. He can not hide them from me, not from what I have experienced.

Well, he is a man now. With education in USA for many years and dedication to his country, he has been a very respectable person now in the society. A handsome man (that's what ppl says) with nice heart, willingness to help the weak, religious, and not to mention his parents inheritance.

If not because I have promised my friend to stay in Busan for three years to help in this department, if not because of it I would have gone the first time I know that he is the 'great Tony' they admired.

Now I don't have choice, I must stay here. In the mean time I will request to be transferred to other department, I must find more information about this place. I don't want to be entrapped to this situation. Not with the one I hate who has higher position and who loves to torture and to see me suffer.

So here is the plan. I will do my work the best, and do the reporting well, so that he will not have reason to call me for anything. I will have excuse to talk to him if it's possible, I will avoid to be in a room only with him. I will find friend who is willing to help me get out of that situations. And I know who will help me.

No Worry Be Happy!

These weeks I have spent time for my project. Often I sleep in the morning, still I feel so fresh. I thank the Lord for His guidance and wisdom, so that I could do it not with my strength but by His Spirit and grace.

My part is to study, to do it, but He is the One who bless what I do in my life become fruitful and success.

I don't need to worry about anything else, and if I do, all I need is just to pray and cast all my anciety on Him, for He cares me, and also you. Why would we bring all our worry and problems in our life while there is Lord who give us the peace in our heart?

So my friend ..
when you are worry about something, just pray to Lord who create the earth and human beings. God the almightly listens to our prayer, if we pray and seek Him desperately, we will find His love, His forgiveness, His blessing, and moreover is Life.
God in the name of Jesus, is life, and only in Him we have eternal life. He is the Redeemer who pay for our sins, nobody else can do it.
In Him we have peace in our heart, and we are satisfied because of His love and blessing. That's happines, it's not about what we have, not about the situation we live, but it's about heart. When we have God and know Him, it's our happiness.

All the glory for Him. Amin.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Forgiveness

I learn that it's easy to be hurted. People tend to loss control when they are in pressure. And it hurts when somebody says not good things. It remains in your heart, in your memory.

I did experience those heart broken things. From very simple until complete cases.

I realize that we need to forgive other ppl's sins, so that our Heavenly Father will forgive our sins. Not only that, forgiveness give us relief, open the doors of blessing in our life. There will be more opportunities and good things in our life when we forgive other.

It's very difficult to forgive. Especiayly the one who stay near with us, or somebody who we worked with every day ...

But I want to forgive. Lord give me strength and love to forgive and have more space for love in my heart. And let your sunshine and beauty of the nature and the heavenly peace dwell in my life. Amin.

Learn to cook

I have tried to cook some dishes, almost all vegetable dishes.
The taste is improved now, proven by the praises from my friends who try the food. Not bad ...

I want to cook some other food, the real Indonesian food. Can't wait till I go home. I want to cook for my family. That's the way I show my love, by cooking.

After this project, I will spend time to practice and try some recipes.
Need efforts to ge what we want.

Focus!

The Other side of him

I met someone. At first he gave not-so-good impression. And time goes. Now, after some time we have to spend some time together for work, it seem different now.

Apart from the fact that I must cooperate with him, I think he is more manly now. It's not that I saw him as a boy, but I just could figure him out as a man now. Not that he is so handsome and 'manly' as what I see in George Cloony ... far from it.

It appears to me that he has other side, has emotions, has problems. I rare seen these things in my other friends. Is it because I am too ignorant? Or never spend time with them ?
I guess, yes I did very busy all the time, until now when I can have more time on I-like-things.

Back to him, he is more interesting now. I would say that, if there is chance he will be a good candidate also. Thought he is already taken.

I found that when someone has all aspects of life, it is more complete. Not only the excellent or best sides, but also the weakness can do a bit 'rainbow' in life.
Life is not only black and white, grey, red, blue, green ... but it has more rich colors.

I am ready for more touching experiences ... including the best things in life that God plans and provides for me. Amin.

Doing Project

Times goes so fast that now I've been one year in this land, in Bangkok.

Now I'm busy with my project, well feel like when I was did my projects few years ago. Everything seems so important and urgent, schedules, slightly sleep at night, more expenses for the documents ... and spend less time for other activities. I even slip out after Sunday sermon, not having time to have lunch nor to have conversation with my friends. Just because I had appointment with my advisor.

In other side, my emotion is really in down stage. I would have bad and negatif thinking and avoid to join people. I also so lazy to greet ppl in emails. Just like feel so weak and no willing for the socialization things.

I hope it's only temporary ... and it will be OK.
I shall do it on time, and finish my project with good accomplishment.

Focus!