I am Powerless

Last week was good time for me, almost no worry for something that has followed me until now. I had good time for myself just reading or watching some Korean/Japanese drama. I had good time with my friends, learn how to get a long with each other in our big family BIC Bangkok. It’s difficult but not impossible for me. Indeed it become easy compared to what this morning I had.

Now, I really want to do something, not because I like it, simply because of the relationship bound me with a person. I want to do it because it really help me to grow make me a better me. I want to do it because it made me a whole human, not just a walking machine that has no feeling. But a human being is vulnerable, complicated by the feelings and situations involved.

When I want to do it, there are some obstacles I faced. They are:
1. From other persons surrounding us, who maybe unhappy or just innocent to become spirit-killing things for me and block my way to it. I just try to be positive, thinking that they are really naïve-and-innocent-adults.
2. From the target person, sometimes acts so childish, ridiculous and embarrassing. Naturally I will avoid too close to those kind of person, who loves to drag things and make things complicated.
3. From myself. My flesh doesn’t want to humble, my flesh resist to do it, my flesh wants to get its own way. But my heart pushes me to do it, with my condition and situation now which I really have no strength and capability to do it.
When I face the other persons (point no.1), I can’t really think that positive; I’m really on the edge to explode, to say something that will make them realize the positions of everybody.
I could choose not to do it, but when I do it humbling myself it is difficult enough for me not to mention their ‘antique response and attitudes’.

When I am not comfortable but I must stay in that situation sometimes it makes me angry. But I must keep silent and it’s very annoying. It’s better than saying something that hurts other people and regret it someday. I cannot change my environment (point no. 1), I can not change him (point no. 2) but I can change myself. If I can’t stand with it the worst is I will cry, cry to Heavenly Father who always there for me.

Note: I hope when you read this you're not confused.

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